(Cam Newton, 1st pick of the 2011 NFL draft, poses with the most hated commissioner in sports right now, Roger Goodell)
I was originally planning on spending some time during the final week of April doing the same thing that I did last year around that time, which would have been to write some sort of NFL related column either on the heels of the draft or after round one. This time, however, I was not only planning on talking about the the sport's biggest event between the Super Bowl and the Hall of Fame Game, but also the newest developments in this excruciating 2011 owners lockout. But that would be kind of pointless for a few notable reasons. For starters, I have payed less attention to this year's draft and this year's draft class than I had in recent memory. Second, because its May 10th, writing about why the Vikings screwed up with the Christian Ponder pick, why Cam Newton is the next Jamarcus Russell and why everyone is overvaluing Mark Ingram would seem, well, outdated. Third, there's not much to say about this lockout that hasn't already been said. It started out when both the players and the owners couldn't come out of the mediations with a CBA agreement in March, extended until mid April when pro-players judge Susan Nelson ruled against the owners in Brady vs. the NFL, basically saying "Are you kidding me owners?!?! You made $9 billion and are greedy for some more?!?!," putting the NFL in a state of limbo where there was technically no lockout and yet the owners still treated it as if the fight was not over, and then reinstated hours after round 1 of the draft wrapped up. Add all of the spewed trash talking and arguments coming from both sides of the aisle and you have something that has yet to make any progress (unless another court ruling comes forward voting in favor of the players) and one that is probably going to last until late July for this whole stupid mess to wrap up.
What I would like to dedicate this time, however, would be this "700 Club" clip featuring the greatest logical televangelist of all time, the one and only Pat Robertson. This clip, hyperbole aside, will make you want to question not only your association with fellow Christians like him, but also your sanity...
Wow, that all makes sense! I always knew that lib-tards such as myself like to kill babies, and that we tend to have lesbians, who don't have babies (unlike straight females), as part of our group. But, I never knew that people of my ilk have been purposely having abortions because of our love lesbians, until now! Pat Robertson, you, sir, are a modern member of the 17th Century Enlightment, and a true genius among all men. In fact, here are around twenty other normally crazy ideas, thoughts and beliefs that Robertson believes are true based on the words of the Bible and his so-called "logic":
1. Alligators only visit people's bathrooms whenever they believe that the person using it has been masturbating too much.
2. The 2010 BP oil spill occured when 22 year old Johnny Ren of Huntsville, Alabama chose to be a homosexual the night before.
3. The ending of "Inception" was just another one of Dom's dreams.
4. Dinosaur remains were planted by Jesus in order to trick nonbelievers.
5. Jay Leno's relatable charms and blue collar comedy makes him the funniest man in America.
6. 9/11 was a plot created by Osama Bin Laden in order to warn the country that Armaggedon was near.
7. Cancelling the original "Law and Order" while also introducing the spin-off "Law and Order: Los Angeles" was a great idea for NBC because the former is old and stale while LA has just been begging for another law procedural for years.
8. God created the great Northeast blizzard last winter in order to stop people from driving somewhere that would allow them to do homosexual things (I'm not kidding about this one).
9. Haiti deserved the earhtquake they got for "making a pact to the devil" in the 18th Century (I'm also not kidding about this one).
10. Isn't it weird how, just as a black man is President, we have three devastating earthquakes in Chile, Haiti, and now Japan, during a span of a year and a half? Just sayin'
11. Jews deserved what they got in the Holocaust for mocking Hitler's early adulthood paintings!
12. George W. Bush was blessed by God during his Presidency (Yep, he actually said this, too!).
13. We should just kill Hugo Chavez. I don't care what rights he did in his life. He's a bad guy, so we should just kill him (This thing practically writes for itself!).
14. I just had a nice talk earlier this week with the CEO of Lehman Brothers. Nice guy, seems pretty honest and down to Earth. I would invest my entire life savings toward that company if I were you.
15. Cold pizza is better than hot pizza.
16. Why can't more writers be as smart, witty, sophisticated and talented as Peter King?
17. The birth certificate of Barack Obama is nothing more than a liberal pinko cover-up to protect the really story of how pro-Islam fundamentalists planted his birth announcement in the Hawaiian newspapers in order to raise him and tutor him into becoming an elected president.
18. I see nothing wrong in how Sarah Palin has raised her family. Just a simply family of six or so raised on moral Christian values. I know caused I watch her TLC reality show!
19. The banning of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was the single worst catastrophe in American history since the TV show debut of that awful Charlie Rose.
20. The Dallas Mavericks are going to get crushed in the 2011 NBA playoffs. I mean, a German leading a team to victory over several dozen blue-blooded American males? Impossible!
Can't wait to see what other half-baked thoughts and exhortations Robertson has crammed inside his membrane for the world to hear! And now, ladies and gentlemen, after a quite lengthy delay that lasted ten days longer than it should have, here is the brand new installment of "End of the Month" for the month of April, 2011:
END OF THE MONTH
Wedding of the Month: That of Prince William, Duke of Cambridge, and Kate Middleton
Nothing much left to say that hasn't already been mentioned from the news media's 24/7 beating of the story to death as it was happening. Kind of interesting how the two things that ended up stealing the show on that day were not the newlywed couple, but Princess Beatrice's hat and Pippa Middleton's "angelic" body. Anyways, congratulations to the two of them, and I assumed that the prince enjoyed royally defiling his newly named Duchess the night after.
TV Premieres of the Month: "Game of Thrones" and "The Voice"
The first show is probably one of the few programs on television right out that seems to get better with every episode. Also, unlike the other big cable premiere from April, "The Killing," the show is filled with believable dialogue (for a fantasy world set in medieval times, that is) and a bunch of characters that I either enjoy, are well acted, or am really interested in. Can't wait to see how the remainder of the season unfolds. The second show on the list, meanwhile, is a nice breath of fresh air in the reality competition genre, with better and more contemporary judges/coaches than the folks at "American Idol," who have no backbone at all when it comes to criticizing a singer, better singers, and a never before seen in America format. Plus, it actually gave NBC its first hit this TV season! What more can a reality singing competition do?
TV Ending of the Month: The Steve Carell Era of "The Office"
While I am still interested in the show and will be curious to see how they can pull off these next few seasons without Michael Scott in charge at Scranton (who doesn't love a good experiment?), the show will still never be the same without America's favorite non-self aware man child forcing himself upon our TV sets every Thursday nights. That's what she said.
-Runner-up: Glenn Beck's weekday TV show on FOX News
Because when you stop doing what made you so polarizing and start spewing weird conspiracy theories all the time, you know you've done enough.
Politician of the Month: Arizona Senator Jon Kyl, for both lying in front of Congress and the American people watching on C-SPAN by saying that abortion was part of 90% of Planned Parenthood, and then covering it up by saying that it was "not intended to be a factual statement." Such a brilliant loophole, for someone whose main accomplishment in life was pissing on the face of every St. Jude's Children's Hospital patient at the age of 31.
#otintendedtobeafactualstatement
Videos of the Month:
-This Month in Leaders of Eastern European Nations:
1) "Medvedev Dance- Russian President Dance Moves"
In Russia...oh, forget it! Just watch.
2) "Czech President Vaclav Klaus Steals Pen:
You would be surprised how little the Czech budget is saved towards buying office supplies.
- The Most Educational: College Humor's "The 6 Girlfriends You'll Date in College"
Interestingly enough, the only difference between this educational comedy video and reality is that, those six girlfriends will not be as hot.
- The Most Meta: YouTube's Top 5 Videos for 04/01/1911
Now you're on the trolley, Mr. Real McCoy!
- The Cutest: "Girl Join the Dark Side"
I haven't seen someone lose their soul to peer pressure like that since the '08 election.
- The Most Rhythmic: "2 Yr. Old Wakes Up to Waka Flocka"
Isn't it cute when little kids live up to their racial stereotypes?
- The Most Sublime: "SF to Paris in Two Minutes"
Eleven hours, roughly three thousand miles, crappy food and airline theater films, annoying children, and massive jetlag soon after...all worth it.
- The Trickiest: "Reverse Psychology at Its Purest"
Bugs Bunny would be proud.
- Crap, Another Video With a Baby! Aww, But It's So Cute, Though! What the Hell, Here It Is: "Hysterical Bubbles!"
It kinda makes "Baby scared of mother's face" look like "Baby laughs at ripped paper"!
- The Funniest: "The Tornado Took My Hamburger, My Fries and a Drink!"
Thank God the U.S. military found Osama and there have been a cavalcade of people helping those devastated by the earthquakes in Alabama! Maybe now we can finally help invest our time to find this man's fast food.
- The Biggest Blooper: "Sergio Ramos Drops Real Madrid's 2011 Copa Del Rey Trophy"
The trophy didn't fall by accident. It just committed suicide because he was an FC Barcelona fan.
- The Most Athletic:"Great High School Baseball Play in Tulepo!"
Ladies and gentlemen, meet HS baseball's Barry Sanders.
- The Most Awesome: "Einstein vs. Stephen Hawking- Epic Rap Battles of History #7"
Can't believe that it took me until Masters Saturday to finally discover this gem of an Internet series for the first time with this sweet video. Its like when I listened to "Stairway to Heaven" for the first time...when I was fifteen. Can't wait to see who these guy match-up next time.
Official Band Break-up of the Month: LCD Soundsystem
Well, at least one of the best dance-rock bands of the last twenty years ended on a high note.
Stories of the Month:
-The Most Thrilling: Southwest Airlines Plane Makes Emergency Landing After 3 Foot Hole Rips Into Side of Plane
Now that's what I call airline entertaining!
-The Most Devastating: The Violent 80 Mph. Tornado That Killed Around 300 in the Southern U.S.
It's a story that leaves you speechless when you hear of its destructiveness. Wish the best and speediest of all recoveries for the families suffered by that awful storm.
-The End of an Era: U.S. Government Shut Down Online Poker Sites Full Tilt and Pokerstars For American Players
And with it, a part of every gambling addict's heart goes with it.
- The Best 11th Hour-Close Finish: U.S. Government Avoids Government Shutdown
If you think this budget battle was a nightmare, you just wait for the one that will go down in 2012. You talking about using everything and the kitchen sink, that will be it.
- The Most Violent: 23 People Killed In Pakistan During Protest Over U.S. Koran Burning
Thanks again, Terry Jones! It's like you've completely forgotten how pissed everyone was of you in September.
- The Saddest: Woman Kills Herself and Three Children By Driving Into Hudson River
Such a tragic thing to happen for those three beautiful children with so much left to live, and their poor mother who sadly wasn't able to deal with the situation she was put in. R.I.P.
- The Most Celebrified Destruction That Isn't From Charlie Sheen: Nicolas Cage Arrested For Domestic Abuse
The matter was cleared up within a few days when both sides made up and admitted that zero physical violence was involved. Still, you can't help but feel that we now understand why this man is so crazy in his movies.
- The Best Concocted Solution: New British Brew Contains Viagara
Funny, several members of the 2011 White Sox have been drinking this beer for the past few weeks and have only been giving limp performance.
/grumpy fan
- The Scariest to Watch: Oregon Teen Stabs Himself to Death During Concert
Geez, I heard from people on the Internet that the man was killing it on stage...but not like this! Not like this!
/Probably going to hell, I know.
//Seriously, though, its a very sad story.
- The Most Disturbing: Oregon Mailman Caught Taking a Dump on Person's Lawn
Umm, do Oregonians know that they're supposed create some good national news stories at some point?
- The Strangest Move, or a The Smartest Move?: Chinese Government Bans Time Travel
If I didn't know any better, I'd say that this was a conspiracy to remove millions of potential dollars from the international box office for the third installment of the Bill and Ted series.
- The Most Important Switcheroo: David Patraeus Moved to Head of CIA While Leon Panneta Moved to Head of Pentagon
Because nothing beats the ol' reliable covert operations!
Reveal of the Month: President Barack Obama's Birth Certificate
You're move, Trump!
Really, Really Awkward Press Conference of the Month: Gloria Allred's Baseball Bat Used To Simulate Sex in Front of Children Press Conference
This is incredible. I'm just amazed that she demonstrated the sex act performed by the Atlanta Braves assistant coach for nearly a full minute, while also refusing to say "ass" because of some moral confliction. Just a thing of beauty, simple as that.
Music Video of the Month: "Beastie Boys- Fight For Your Right Revisited"
Hey, everybody, let's play America's new favorite game! It's called "name as many past and current stars of favorite TV and movie comedies!"
Person of the Month: NFL Fans At Radio City Music Hall During Round 1 of the 2011 Draft
for showing NFL commissioner Roger Goodell just how they really feel of the lockout, and (more importantly) his actions during the NFL lockout, this time without the protective shell that NFL writers like Mike Florio have been giving him before that faithful night. Seriously, watch this if you already haven't...
Mmm, mmmm! If that isn't the second sweetest sound ever recorded this year (behind the bullets and bombs fired at Osama Bin Laden's crappy million dollar mansion), than I don't what is. After all, Goodell is nothing more than a red-haired pawn for all 31 of those greedy owners, and I'm finally glad that people gave him the majority opinion of most educated football fans across the country. Bravo, NFL fans. BRA. F@CKIN. VO.
-Runner-ups: Barack Obama, Donald Trump, The British royal family, the Beastie Boys, Planned Parenthood, Steve Jobs, Gloria Allred
And that, my friends, is how April 2011 went down in the memory books. Once again, I sincerely apologize for waiting until mid-May to post this. Hopefully, the quality was good enough to make you forgive my delay. See ya later this week!
Sincerely,
Your pal: mj15
If you have any opinions on today's post, or if you just have any suggestions or
tips for my next blog entry, e-mail me at: mj1599@aol.com. Your e-mails are greatly appreciated.
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